In simple terms, being gay means that you are sexually attracted to members of your own sex and that you identify with other gay people or the larger gay community. Sexuality is a term used to describe a whole range of feelings, desires and actions relating to sex.

Why am I gay?

Nobody knows for sure why some of us are gay and some of us are not. Lots of theories have been put forward ranging from genetic differences to overbearing parents. The evidence so far suggests that random genetic factors play a part in determining our sexuality in the same way they play a part in determining, for example, left-handedness.

One thing we do know is that no-one chooses their sexuality. Some gay people knew they were different, if not gay, from as young as five or six. It is said that, for most of us, our sexuality is determined by the age of 12 or 13 and probably 16 at the latest. By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism. Some people continue to believe that it is a choice and that we can be persuaded into heterosexuality. By assuming heterosexuality, society gives rise to the dilemma, for those of us who know we are gay, of whether to hide our sexuality or to come out – with all that this entails.

There have been small but perceptible changes in the way British society views homosexuality, but there is a long way to go before it will accept us in the same way as it does people who are, say, left-handed. This has more to do with society’s hang-ups around sex and sexuality than individual gay people. Often, once people know someone who is gay, their prejudices and fears about homosexuality disappear all together.

Growing up gay

For many young gay or bisexual people, adolescence can be a time of particular anxiety and fear. Many lesbians and gay men look back on this part of their lives with sadness and regret. There are very few positive gay role models and a lot of hostility towards openly gay people. Gay teenagers often become painfully aware that they are not like other people and many become withdrawn and lonely, convinced that only they are feeling this way. They learn to hide their true feelings or act as others want them to, for fear of being ostracised, ridiculed or rejected by loved ones and friends.

Above all, there can be a sense that we are somehow different, that we are abnormal and that we are going to disappoint people.

Some people believe that if they get married their gay feelings will disappear. It is unusual for this to happen. Most store up a great deal of stress and anxiety for their later years. Coming out as a gay parent has particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous courage and strength. The conflict between their relationship with their spouse and family and their need to be themselves can be enormous.

Coming out

There are several stages in the process of coming out. It’s your life so take your time – do things for you and only when you are ready.

Coming out to yourself

Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were “just a phase”. In time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex.

This realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life.

Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn’t. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like.

So you still want to come out?

This is a nerve racking time – the fear of rejection is likely to be immense. Bear in mind that there are many ways to tell someone that you are gay.

The next stage involves going public in some way, of “coming out of the closet”. Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family.

Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this. If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you will be sufficiently prepared for it.

Why do I want to come out?

This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like: “Because I’m proud of who I am” or “It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed” or “I want to meet other gay people” then these are good reasons. Think very carefully if your reasoning is to hurt or shock people. Often the person who gets hurt will be you.

Who should I tell?

Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it’s someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school – they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: “How can you be sure?”, “I went through a phase like this at your age”, “You’ll grow out of it”, “You haven’t tried hard enough with the opposite sex” and “How can you know at your age?”

We have listed them here because they may help you to think of your answers to them. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard.

Support for your family

This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There are several organisations that offer support to parents who are coming to terms with their sons’ and daughters’ sexuality.

This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family’s reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already – perhaps your local gay switchboard or helpline.

How should I tell them?

There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this, there are other ways.

You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction.

If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won’t help to memorise a script either – you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don’t want to hurt them but need to be honest with them. Remember to listen to what they have to say – it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech!

When should I tell them?

When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully – do it when you (and they) have lots of time – not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional.

Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances, don’t do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive – this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don’t do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).

And remember – only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn’t happen.

Consequences and reactions

So you’ve told someone. You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with joy on the moon (or both!). Some people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again.

Don’t feel guilty about it – go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it. The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief.

Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition. Reassure them that you have changed – and for the better and that you are simply exploring a new, more complete you.

Most people will experience many positive reactions. For example, “We’re so pleased you could tell us” or “Well we had already guessed and were just waiting for you to say something”. Some gay people have also met with the response, “So am I”.

If it hasn’t gone too well – don’t lose heart. Time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn’t support you through this. If your family is reacting badly, this is in all probability, normal. They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment and lots of pain.

Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay. Many parents will feel a loss in some way – perhaps of future grandchildren or weddings and other family gatherings. This can blur their happiness and their love for you.

At the end of the day, your parents are still your parents and, in time, few reject their children because they are gay.

If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it’s a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them – they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it’s important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns. Again your local switchboard, helpline or Gay Men’s Health Project can offer you support and guidance.

It’s probably better to persevere and keep going, after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now. The next person you talk to will probably give you a huge hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them and that they had suspected that something may have been on your mind for a long time.

Coming out at work

Gay people have received legal protection from discrimination in employment since December 2003, but this does not mean that discrimination on the basis of a person’s sexual orientation has been eliminated. In particular, gay employees can still face problems in religion-based organisations.

The Armed Forces

The ban on gay people in the armed services was officially lifted in 2000.

Prisons

In some prisons where the prison culture is particularly homophobic, gay prisoners, including those on remand, risk harassment, abuse and violence.

Telling your doctor

It is worth mentioning, too, that if you disclose your sexuality to your general practitioner (doctor), they may record these details in your medical records. These medical records can be accessed by a range of organisations for many different purposes.

There comes a time to stop talking and to get on with living your (new) life exactly how you want to. It’s time to meet other gay and bisexual people and to explore your sexuality safely and confidently.

A common reaction to this statement, especially in rural areas is, “Fine – but where do I start?” Remember that being gay is about expressing yourself in the way YOU want to. Despite the stereotypes, there is no single way of being gay. We are all as different as any other group of people.

Going out with friends and meeting new ones at clubs or parties can be great. But the scene isn’t for everybody and it’s not everything there is to being gay. Most towns and cities have gay social groups and gay men’s health projects. These can be excellent places to meet new people and to find out what there is to do locally and most will arrange to meet first time visitors beforehand.

As with any group of people, there will be some you get on with and some you won’t. If you feel that you have little in common with the gay people you have met so far, you could try different ways of contacting more gay men, for example as pen pals, or through the many special interest gay groups (like gay men’s choirs or gay football supporters networks) – look them up in Gay Times.

Healthy lives and…

There’s no doubt that having a positive attitude towards yourself goes a long way to keeping healthy. It’s also important, in whatever you do, that you look after yourself and consider your actions in relation to others.

This is particularly useful advice when it comes to sex. Whether it’s a relationship or a one night stand, sex with another man can feel great and should make us feel good about who we are. Sex with other men can be whatever you want it to be and it’s important to be clear about what you do want to do and what you don’t. As with anything, people have their likes and dislikes and it’s important that you talk them over with your sexual partner.

… Safer sex

In theUnited Kingdom, HIV (the virus that is believed to be the cause of AIDS) affects more gay men than any other group and this can make us anxious about sex. But once we know how we can protect ourselves and our partners, we can relax and enjoy ourselves. HIV cannot be passed on through wanking, kissing, touching or hugging. The risk of transmitting HIV through oral sex (cock sucking) is believed to be very low but if either of you have cuts or sores in the mouth you should use condoms (flavoured ones taste much better).

Anal sex (fucking) is the riskiest activity as far as transmitting HIV is concerned but by using suitable condoms and lubricant every time you fuck you can substantially reduce the risk. Suitable condoms for fucking are: Mates Superstrong, Durex UltraStrong, H.T. Special, GaySafe and Boy’s Own. Of course, there is still a risk if the condom breaks, leaks or comes off. Lubricant is essential as it makes it safer and easier, so always use plenty of water based lube such as KY or Liquid Silk. Don’t use oils, creams or lotions such as Vaseline or baby oil as they weaken the rubber in condoms in seconds.

You can obtain suitable condoms free of charge from Gay Men’s Health Projects, some gay bars and clubs, Family Planning Clinics, some Youth Advisory Services and local GUM (Clap/VD/STD) clinics. Check the Yellow Pages for the clinic addresses if you are unsure where the nearest ones to you are.

While on the subject of sexually transmitted diseases, it is worth mentioning that Hepatitis B is far more prevalent than HIV among gay men and it is much easier to become infected with it. The good news is that there is a vaccine against Hepatitis B and you can get vaccinated free of charge at your local GUM clinic.

Fathers in many families are mysterious, distant, intimidating figures-even more so for boys with homosexual attractions. They are the family torchbearers of manliness, and, as males young and old know, homosexuality is considered the dreaded opposite of masculinity. According to Michael Kimmel, a sociologist and expert on male sex roles, men demonstrate their masculinity by repudiating all that is feminine and demonstrating an ever-ready willingness to engage in sexual intercourse with women whenever the opportunity arises-in a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. To be gay is to be powerless, weak, unable to break free from Mommy, and these characteristics are incompatible with real manliness.

Initially, the assertion that homophobia plays centre stage in men’s masculine self concept may seem rather extreme. However, go to places where men and boys congregate such as schoolyards, sports fields, fraternity houses, and locker rooms in this country and you will hear taunts such as “You’re a sissy!” “That’s so gay.” “Hey cocksucker!” or “Wow, you really got fucked in the ass on that play!” Sex between males is seen as an act of violence and domination rather than an expression of love, affection, or mutual pleasure, and this mocking, whether it is done playfully or with hostile intent, is meant to degrade a man by deriding his manliness. A boy growing into a gay man will get the message loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, less than a man.

For sons, paternal disapproval is a particularly bitter pill to swallow. Perhaps, deep down, they yearn for their fathers’ love and approval, but fear disappointing them by not being the man they expected them to be. They realize if they are being chided in the outside world for not being real men that this will reflect poorly on their dads, who will be angry and disappointed once they come out. For this study, among the 65 families interviewed, only 17 fathers agreed to participate and unfortunately, none of the fathers of the boys who reported feeling taunted or pressured by them consented to an interview, so I could not get their perspectives. However, like Jay, it is perhaps too tempting to make fathers an easy target, particularly in the absence of their voices. We must remember that fathers and sons live in the same world-one that teaches boys that homosexuality is incompatible with real masculinity and, by association, full male adulthood. Fathers too were raised to not only look down upon homosexuality, but to fear it in themselves. The fathers of these male respondents may have perceived that they failed at one of their most important tasks, passing masculinity onto their sons. Thus having a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe it is an indictment of his own masculinity.

Moreover, it is perhaps humiliating for a father to have a son who engages in sex acts that are considered by many to be so disgusting and degrading that their very mention is used by men to insult each other. When a father in this study initially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, “Do you know what two men do to each other? Is that what you want to do?” Add to this shame and disappointment men’s tendency to be stoic about problems to avoid appearing incompetent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys previously quoted, did not want to discuss such a topic with a stranger-a gay stranger, no less.

Nevertheless, it is important to recognize that father-son antagonism could be particularly wounding for a gay man. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializes in work with gay men believes that gay males undergo a reverse-Oedipal complex whereby, as young boys, they become subconsciously sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxiously senses the subliminal sexual charge in their relationship and, because he is socialized to be repelled and afraid of homosexuality, he consequently disengages from his son. Oedipal issues aside, a developing gay boy may demonstrate some traditionally feminine gestures or interests that foreshadow an adult homosexual orientation, which may in turn make his father uncomfortable and want to distance.

Sadly, father-son disengagement or strain may have particularly pernicious consequences for gay men’s adult lives and relationships. Because a boy’s relationship with his father is his first, most important relationship with a man, it is the primary arena where he learns not only how to interact in close contact with other men but also whether he is lovable in their eyes. If this primary relationship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostility during childhood, as it is for many gay men, this will no doubt interfere with his ability to form and maintain intimate, committed relationships with male partners in his future.

But Healing is Possible

For gay sons of all ages, but especially those who are struggling to establish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relationships, it might be a good idea to look toward their past relationships with their fathers for insights and answers. What were the relationships like before they came out? Afterwards? What did they learn about their self worth from their fathers? What did they learn about their worth in the eyes of other men? Do the type of men they are drawn to have any precedent in their relationships with our fathers? For example, some of us like the strong silent types because that’s what our dads were like while others go for these types because that’s what we wished our dads were like. Either way, I have found in my clinical work with gay men that much useful information can be gained by examining past, and even present father-son interactions to determine what patterns are being repeated and/or reacted to in their current relationships. Armed with this insight, gay men can then make more informed choices about how to interact with the men in their lives.

Fathers who love their gay sons need to understand the unique role they play in their son’s self esteem and future relationships. Certainly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and daughters, but fathers of gay sons need to find ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queasiness about gay sex to show their sons that they are indeed lovable and deserve the love of a good man. Although I rarely recommend fiction to my clients or students, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the television series Glee to study the relationship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divide of sex role expectations to maintain a relationship with his wonderfully “flamboyant” gay son built on unconditional love. And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of us gay men out there watching that relationship too– with tears of gratitude, envy, and longing.

Knowing how to remove pubic hair can be tricky at times. You may have a special event coming up and don’t want your image to be bogged down by unsightly hair or you just plain don’t like it. Here are some great ways to have that pubic hair removed.

Things you’ll need:

• Razor and shaving cream
• Hair removal creams
• Access to local salon

1. Shave it off. Using a razor is as easy pie. Most people are already familiar with razor shaving, so its easy to adapt to. Also, most people already have the tools needed for this method of removing pubic hair. Simply start a shower and apply shaving cream to your pubic region. Start shaving in the areas you want the hair to be removed. Make sure to rinse off the razor blade in-between strokes in order to provide optimal shaving throughout.
2. Hair remover creams. Hair remover creams dissolve the hair so you can just wipe it off. The trick is, make sure the hair remover cream is strictly for pubic hair. The skin in the pubic region is very sensitive and can react differently to creams than other areas of the body. Test the hair remover cream on the inside of your elbow first. If nothing happens every two days, continue with the process. Take the cream and apply it evenly to the area where you want the pubic hair removed. Depending on the cream, the time it takes to dissolve the hair varies. Then, you’ll wipe the cream off with a towel or rag. If its to your liking, then rinse with warm water and be sure to clean the area off well.
3. Waxing your pubic hair. It’s the next best thing next to permanent pubic hair removal. You get a smoother and longer lasting result. However, it is pretty painful and if not done properly, things can go horribly wrong. Usually its recommended to have your pubic hair grown out fully. You can choose to either go to a salon and have your waxing done (highly recommended) or you can do it yourself in the privacy of your own home; just remember to be cautious and follow instructions tediously.

If you are trying to get that clean look down there, so you are asking yourself “how to shave my balls?” Shaving your balls can give you that clean look down there. It can also give you the porn star look down there. The following tips will help you to shave your balls and give you that edgy look down there.

1. When you start to shave your balls, do not use any type of wax. The problem with using wax when taking hair off of your balls is, the wax will not come off. Since your scrotum is very stretchy, it will stick to it. It could also irritate your balls. So do not try wax, it is a bad idea.
2. Try trimming up down there first. Before you actually start the shaving process, you should try to trim up down there first. Take the scissors or clippers and trim the long hairs you have down there. It will make it easier for you to shave.
3. Decide what type of razor to use. When shaving your balls, you can use either an electric or disposable razor. It depends on what you prefer. A disposable is said to be more complicated, due to the fact you do not have enough hands to use. With one hand doing the shaving, you would need two hands to move everything around. With an electric razor, it is easier. Just make sure the razor is good and sharp. If it is dull it can easily tear out the hairs and allow you to bleed.
4. Remember to apply some moisturizing cream to the area you are shaving.You will want to make sure the area you are shaving is very moisturized. If not, you will get razor burn down there. That can be very painful and unpleasant.

When you decide to start shaving your balls, there is a lot to take in consideration. Always remember to use some sort of cream or lotion to keep the area moisturized to avoid razor burn. Also, try trimming up before the shave to make it easier to shave. Once you get your balls shaved, you will be clean and rocking it like a porn star.